Friday, May 4, 2012

Entry 15: Darkside Zodiac - Aries

Aries

March 21-April 20

Aries is a masculine ,cardinal Fire sign rules by Mars. It is the first sign on the zodiac wheel directly opposite Libra, and is names for the constellation Aries (the ram), which shouts and struts behind the Sun at this time of year.

On the Darkside, this makes you a loud, overconfident, aggressive thug with way too many Y chromosomes and a will of titanium-clad granite.

Annoying Habits

Punctuality

You are either 30 minutes early, raring to go, and incandescent that everyone else is late, or you turn up four days later at a different venue and are outraged that the expedition went without you.

Toothpaste

After a five-minute rant in the bathroom when you throw everything out of the window looking for your tube of toothpaste, you finally find it in the laundry basket. You hammer it flat with your bare hands.

Temper Gauge

0* to boiling point is instantaneous, and occurs roughly every two minutes because people just won't do what you tell them, and you've lost the keys/hammer/remote control/plot.

Personality

overwhelming, overbearing, overconfident

Brightside astrologers proclaim that you burst with creative energy and confidence, and that you prefer to express yourself through action. Well, they would, wouldn't they, especially with your knife to their collective throat? This is just salon talk for laying about you with a meat cleaver when you wish to make a point, isn't it, Aries? You have absolutely no trouble with this year's buzz concept, "Me-time," although you do have trouble with the idea that there might be any other kind.

Greedy, aggressive, argumentative, restless, willful, confrontational, headstrong, and self-obsessed, you are the zodiac's permanently enraged adolescent (and just look at the state of your room); you have what nice social workers call "a problem with authority." Show you a no-entry sign and you are up the forbidden highway like a ferret up a drainpipe. No one has ever explained the phrase "consequences-of-your-actions" to you (mostly because you won't stand still long enough, and even if you were nailed to the floor, you still wouldn't listen). Consequently the nation's ERs are an Arien's second home.

Subtle you're not; no one will ever find you sitting quietly in a corner brooding on life's great mysteries, or sitting quietly anywhere. You blunder through the world like Tigger gone rogue, looking for new frontiers to smash. Fortunately you can be easily distracted by bright lights, loud noises, meat, blood, fire, and knives. On good days, this means a neighborhood barbecue; on bad days, World War III.

You generate a kind of low-frequency tetch field all around you, which unnerves the rest of us, and can be condensed into a stamping rage by practically anything. Lost your keys? House turned upside down, loved ones lambasted, doors slammed off hinges. And instructions for anything from a flatpack to a cruise missle are torn up in a rage (nobody tells Aries what to do!) before you get past step one.

Have you ever willingly finished anything in your life? You're just one big booster rocket, all fired up for blastoff, and falling away as soon as your boredom threshold (usually around sea level) is reached. Some of you can't even get to the end of a sentence before moving on, which is probably why the military speaks in speedily articulated acronyms.

Pathologically, addictively competitive, you have to come first in everything, even if it's only a spitting contest, and you will do anything to win, as your concept of fair play means that you triumph. This extends to your kids, whom you are likely to disown if they don't win a Nobel prize, the World Series, and an Oscar.

Your political opinions are strongly held: bigoted and extreme. The doctrine is irrelevant--it's the extreme part you like, along with the street fighting and mob violence. Many Ariens become politicians. How scary is that? Aberrant Ariens who show a mild interest in other life forms can clean up by running elite assertiveness-training courses-although the rest of you wonder why anyone would want to give ammo to the competition.

Bitch Rating

C+. Think about it: bitching demands subtlety and finesse, neither of which your Bad Fairy Godmother left in your cradle. If you want to say something nasty about someone, you don't sneak around; you just open your mouth and blast away, Refreshing, in a strange way.

Collective Noun

A safety tip for non-Ariens. You may find yourself, for some bizarre zodiacal reason, in a room full of Ariens (perhaps your local slaughterhouse is hosting an open evening in the spirit of community outreach). The air is thick with testosterone, and thrums with shouting and the sound of keen blade-whetting. You have rashly stumbled into a Headbutt of Aries. Run away.

Fave Deadly Sin

You simply do not have the time for anything intellectual, or namby-pamby, so you go straight for Wrath, or Anger: a big, strong, all-terrain sin that's just as unhelpful halfway up K2 as it is in a downtown gridlock. It's straightforward, uncomplicated, and requires hardly any brain power (it's just a matter of coupling mouth and fists to you awesome irascibility drive). Plus you get to do the shouting. In your quieter moments, you might consider Greed; it makes a useful indoor sin for the older Arien whose form is slipping.

Planet Planet

Every sun sign has a planetary enforcer, whose job it is to strike the first blow, establish pole position, and engage in a little preemptive defense to make it clear who is the leader around here. Before there were telescopes, astrologers could on see five planets in the sky, plus the Moon and Sun, so they counted these two as planetary rulers. It seemed a good idea at the time. Each planet babysat two zodiac signs--except for the Moon (Cancer's minder) and the Sun (which allows Leo to rule). Your planet is Mars. It's true that until 1930 you had to share it with Scorpio. Any other sun sign would have been toast, and Mars would have been all yours, but you respect Scorpio because, although you are headstrong and reckless, you like the idea of keeping all your organs on the inside.

Blame Your Planet

the red menace

If you are feeling even more hot-eyed and steam-driven than usual, your children are cowering behind a bunker of cereal boxes at the breakfast table, strong men are crossing the road to avoid you, and the world is bathed in a red mist, is this your fault? Is it, punk? Not entirely. Blame your planet. In your case, it's Mars.

Mars knows where we live. In fact the red, glowering psychopath is out next-door neighbor, fourth rock from the Sun. Isn't that comforting? Somehow the fact that it's only half Earth's size doesn't really help. It stalks our orbit at half speed, so we can always see it just out of the corner of our eye. Worse, it has two hench-moons called--wait for it--Deimos and Phobos, for fear and loathing. They're tiny, but they do a menacing double act.

Deimos,  midget made entirely of black rock, is in synchronous rotation with the boss; this means it doesn't rise of set--it's a constant eyeball in the sky. Phobos, au contraire, the hyperactive one, pops up every five hours, just when you thought it was safe. The Martian atmosphere is almost entirely carbon dioxide; this is what happens when you are so angry with your mom and the cosmos that you hold your breath until you go red in the face.

Mars is named for the Roman god of war. Adored and worshiped by the Roman army, he was a remix of an ancient agricultural god and the Greek god of war, Ares, notorious on Mount Olympus as a violent but stupid, bloodlusty braggart. Ares/Aries--you see what's happening here?

Bad Moon Rising

the darkside of aries' darkside

It's not all sunshine on the Darkside. You know just how power-crazed and monomaniac your innermost thoughts and secret fantasies are, but where do you think they come from? The Moon, that's where-or whichever area of your birthchart the Moon was moodily plotting when you were born. The Sun is our daytime self, the Moon represents our inner psycho. The nippy little wretch rushes around plunging in and out of signs every few days, so throughout Areis' month in the Sun, the lunar nuisance dodges around like a guerrillista in a South American jungle. That helps to explain why two Ariens born only days apart stamp their feet in a different rhythm when thwarted, depending on which sign the Moon was bothering at the time.

Catching the Moon

That's all very well, you say, but how do I know where the Moon was when I was born? There are long, complicated (and, frankly, dull) tables called ephemerides that tell you where every planet (and for tedious astrological reasons, the Moon is an honorary planet) stood in the heavens, atmosphere bated, as you made your sorry debut. However, we have provided a Moon itinerary at the back of this book to enable you to get a rough idea. IF that sounds like too much hard work, and you have the techno technique, then try visiting the following website: www.alabe.com/freechart. If you know where you were born and when, they will produce, for free, a rough-cut birthchart that will pin your Moon on the zodiac wheel. [For time, click the Moon Chart for a quick reference as printed in Darkside Zodiac.]

Lunatic Combinations

Here's what happens to Aries when the Moon marches off in a lust for glory.

Moon in Aries -- Twice as tetchy, twice as trigger-happy, twice as likely to start World War III.

Moon in Taurus -- Aggressively greedy for territory, but easily distracted by cakes and ale.

Moon in Gemini -- Soldier of fortune; a dirty fighter unencumbered by old-fashioned burdens such as loyalty.

Moon in Cancer -- Pistol-packin' momma; you like to bake a lovely apple pie for your enemies after you have knocked their teeth out.

Moon in Leo -- Will only lead the charge if you get to wear a big plumed hat and your troops all swear to adore you.

Moon in Virgo -- Aries despises detail Virgo lives for it; internicine strife and an obsession with uniforms.

Moon in Libra -- You know that diplomacy is a war continue by other menas; your weapon of choice is the charm offensive.

Moon in Scorpio -- Scarily focused aggression, ideal for silent surgical strikes just before dawn.

Moon in Sagittarius -- Captain Reckless: you can't see what was wrong with the Charge of the Light Brigade.

Moon in Capricorn -- Your preferred tactic is to bury the enemy in paperwork.

Moon in Aquarius -- Intellectual warrior; you avoid "red mists" as you like to outbrain your opponents.

Moon in Pisces -- Aggressive but irresolute; unreliable under fire.

Born Under A Bad Sign

the scum also rises

And another thing. Your sun sign is modified by your rising sign. This is the zodiac sign that was skulking over the horizon at the very minute you were born. If your sun sign is your ego, then your rising sign gives you your public manners (such as they are), your Sunday worst. It's the painted smile behind which the real, disgusting you lurks. Some astrologers maintain that it's malign influence affects what you look like. Be afraid.

You will probably be bitterly aggrieved to discover that, in the northern hemisphere, for tedious astronomical reasons, there are fewer people with Aries and Pisces rising, or ascending, than any other sign. (In other words, you have a short ascension span, ha-ha!) We say: good; there are only so many world dictators one little globe can take.


Going Up

Now pay attention, because the following is quite brain-busting. There are 12 signs of the zodiac, and astrologers like to think of them as occupying a band of sky that spins around the Earth once every 24 hours. (This is a convention; it is not astronomically correct, and you will not see the signs if you look up, so don't write in.) So, every two hours or so another sign hauls itself blearily over the eastern horizon. This is going on whatever time of the day or night you were born, and whichever benighted spot you chose to appear in. These astro-mechanics help to explain why rams born at either end of the same day take a different route as they charge through life. There are long, nerdy ways to discover your rising sign, but the easiest way is to get hold of a birthchart.

Upwardly Mobile

If your rising sign is Aries, your public persona is a fierce, pushy extrovert on a short fuse, obsessed with coming first. This is to distract the rest of us from discovering your plan for a Thousand-Year Reich. Here's what happens when other zodiacal upstarts rise above their station.

Taurus Rising -- It's all calm, bovine tranquility until you catch site of a red rag.

Gemini Rising -- Cheat, lie, and con your way to the front; if that fails, bring on the heavy artillery.

Cancer Rising -- Mother knows best; after all, you know that the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.

Leo Rising -- Swagger all you like in that dress uniform, but we all know it's a gun you've got in your pocket and that you're not particularly pleased to see us.

Virgo Rising -- Don't you find, Lady Macbeth, that however hard you scrub at ingrained bloodstains, they just won't shift?

Libra Rising -- Handsome, dashing freedom-fighter, armed with Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Scorpio Rising -- You appear darkly, hypnotically menacing; actually, you are just menacing.

Sagittarius Rising -- Our knight in unpolished armor.

Capricorn Rising -- Your papers are always in order and your jackboots gleam like a raven's wings.

Aquarius Rising -- Aren't you far too cool for all this petty squabbling over world domination?

Pisces Rising -- They'll all be sorry they didn't appreciate you, when you are world dictator.

Don't You Love Me, Baby?

venus and aries

Just how much of a high-maintenance tease or bunny-boiler you are may depend on where the solar system's heartless tart (Venus) was blushingly dropping her handkerchief when you were born. Oh, and Venus also has a say in how harmoniously you blend in with the rest of the world, but what do words like harmony have to do with the Darkside? Now, for astrological reasons that will fry your brain if I explain them here (basically, Venus is far too luxury-loving to move too far away from the Sun, and her orbital rate is in bed with Earth's), Venus only appears in your sun sign, or two signs on either side of it. In your case, rams, that means Venus will be in Aries, Aquarius, Pisces, Taurus, or Gemini. And this is what it does to your love and lust life.

Make Love and War

Venus is the girlie planet of luv, right? And Mars is planet lad, the warlord, You may also have a sneaking feeling that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Don't be upset if I tell you this is not true. All of us, of all genders, have a stake in both planets. Where they are in your birthchart has what I shall call consequences. You may think your sun sign makes you a born babe-magnet, but Venus in a chilly sign will cut you off at the knees; you may think that your sun sign means you are the twin soul of the dove of peace, but you may go red-eyed with bloodlust when beaten to a parking spot. Mars will be somewhere irascible. You'll need a birthchart to find out what Venus and Mars were getting up to when you were born. It is far too complicated--and, frankly, dull--to work out here.

Venus in Aries -- You always get your man (or woman), often at gunpoint, and you are a tough love fanatic: whips, pain, domination--and that's just when you're on your own. You always hurt the one you love, on principle.

Venus in Aquarius -- You may be gung-ho to storm love's citadel, but you know better than to charge at it with all flags waving. You have cunning plans involving decoys, disinformation, and playing dead.

Venus in Pisces -- You are not above faking a war wound, or a dueling scar (so romantic!) or three, to incite pity and admiration in the heart of your love object. You know there's nothing more alluring than a wounded hero, even though you aren't one.

Venus in Taurus -- Once the love target is in the crosshairs, you lock on and don't let go until you've brought him or her down; but you do provide a very cozy prisoner-of-love nest.

Venus in Gemini -- Heavy-duty extreme flirting, usually while bear hunting, base jumping, gun running, or liberating small countries, and usually with the whole platoon. You know you're irresistible in distressed combats.

SEX

hard, fast, competitive

Sex is just another extreme sport as far as you are concerned, and you don't like to waste time; foreplay is for wimps. You are strictly a notches-on-the-bedpost kinda guy (or girl), so you like to multitask sometimes. Your Little Black Book is almost ready to be cataloged by the Library of Congress. You always need to be told that you are the first (and naturally, best) lover that your partner's had, ever; you don't bother to do the social math that proves this is impossible without virginity becoming a renewable resource. Your affairs burn with a gemlike flame for, oh, several days, during which time you are extravagantly possessive and jealous every time your prey steps out for a comfort break. Lust does not, however, quench your competitive spirit. You have to do it harder, faster, longer, and quicker than anybody else, and of course you always have to come first. (You silently count your partner's orgasms just to make sure you are not being outclassed.)

What kind of love rat are you?

The worst. It's the winning, you see; the fighting off of all rivals, or defeating overwhelming odds (you are in Hawaii, they are in Alaska; they are Amish, you are a Texas Ranger, etc.); once you've got the prize, it's no longer what you want. You wander off to find a new challenge, abandoning the poor sap who believed you when you said you'd slash your wrists with a rusty blade if they did not come with you to be your love.

For more on the Darkside of Aries, please check out Darkside Zodiac by Stella Hyde.

Entry 014: Catching the Moon

Catching the Moon

If you can't wait to get a birthchart, here is a rough way to find out where the Moon was lurking when you were born. All you need is your date of birth.

Finding Your Start Sign on the Zodiac Wheel

     Years                                   Jan     Feb    Mar    Apr      May        June         July    Aug    Sept        Oct        Nov     Dec

1939, 1958, 1977             Tau    Can   Can    Vir      Lib      Sag     Cap    Aqu   Ari      Tau    Can    Leo
1940, 1959, 1978             Lib     Sco   Sag    Cap     Aqu    Ari       Tau     Can   Leo     Tau    Can    Leo
1941, 1960, 1979            Aqu    Ari    Ari     Gem    Can    Leo      Vir     Sco   Cap     Aqu   Ari     Tau
1942, 1961, 1980            Gem   Leo   Leo    Lib      Sco    Cap      Aqu   Ari    Cap     Tau    Gem   Leo
1943, 1962, 1981            Sco    Sag    Cap   Aqu    Ari      Tau      Gem   Leo   Lib       Sco   Sag    Cap
1944, 1963, 1982            Pis     Tau     Tau    Can   Leo     Lib     Sco     Sag   Aqu     Pis     Tau    Gem
1945, 1964, 1983            Leo    Vir      Lib    Sco    Sag     Aqu    Pis      Tau    Can     Leo    Vir     Lib
1946, 1965, 1984            Sag    Cap    Aqu   Pis     Tau      Gem   Leo     Vir    Sco     Sag     Aqu   Pis
1947, 1966, 1985           Ari     Gem   Gem   Leo     Vir      Sco     Sag     Aqu   Pis      Ari      Gem  Can
1948, 1967, 1986          Vir      Sco     Sco    Cap     Aqu   Pis      Tau      Gem   Leo    Vir       Lib   Sag
1949, 1968, 1987          Cap   Pis       Pis       Tau   Gem  Leo    Vir       Sco    Sag     Cap    Pis    Ari
1950, 1969, 1988          Tau    Can     Can      Vir    Lib    Sag    Cap     Pis     Ari      Gem    Can   Leo
1951, 1970, 1989          Lib     Sag     Sag      Aqu   Pis    Tau     Gem    Can   Vir      Lib       Sag   Cap
1952, 1971, 1990          Pis     Ari      Tau      Gem  Can  Virg    Lib      Sag    Cap   Aqu      Ari    Tau
1953, 1972, 1991          Can    Vir      Vir      Lib     Sag   Cap   Pis      Ari      Gem   Can     Vir    Lib
1954, 1973, 1992          Sco    Cap    Cap    Pis       Ari     Gem   Can   Vir      Sco    Sag      Cap   Aqu
1955, 1974, 1993          Ari     Tau      Gem   Leo     Vir      Lib    Sco    Cap    Pis     Ari       Tau    Can
1956, 1975, 1994          Leo    Lib      Lib     Sag     Cap    Pis     Ari     Tau     Can   Leo      Lib     Sco
1957, 1976, 1995          Cap    Aqu    Pis     Ari      Tau      Can   Leo    Lib     Sco    Cap     Aqu   Ari

This Is What You Do

  1. Look up the year and month of your birth. Note which sign is indicated--this is not your Sun sign, so don't get antsy.
  2. Now look at the second chart to check the date on which you fell to Earth. There is a number opposite it--remember it.
  3. Look at the third chart, the Zodiac Wheel, and find the sign that was indicated in the first chart.
  4. Count counterclockwise from this sign, following the number indicated on the second chart (including the start sign). This is your moon sign.

Date / No.     Date / No.     Date / No.     Date / No.     Date / No.

     1 / 0               7 / 3              13 / 5              19 / 8              25 / 11
     2 / 1               8 / 3              14 / 6              20 / 9              26 / 11
     3 / 1               9 / 4              15 / 6              21 / 9              27 / 12
     4 / 1             10 / 4              16 / 7              22 / 10            28 / 12
     5 / 2             11 / 5              17 / 7              23 / 10            29 / 1
     6 / 2             12 / 5              18 / 8              24 / 10            30 / 1
                                                                                              31 / 2

 Zodiac Wheel

                                  <---------Count in this direction from your Start Sign.

                                    Capricorn             Sagitarius
                            Aquarius                                Scorpio
                        Pisces                                               Libra
                           Aries                                            Virgo
                               Taurus                                    Leo
                                       Gemini                 Cancer


An Example to Us All

You were born in March 1972, so your start sign (in the first chart) is Virgo.
You were born in the 17th day of March, so (according to chart 2) you have to count 7.
Counting counterclockwise for seven signs in chart 3, from (and including) Virgo, delivers you to....Pisces.
You are therefore a Moon-In-Pisces Pisces. Bad luck!

Entry 013: Darkside Zodiac

The following zodiacal excerpts are from "Darkside Zodiac" by Stella Hyde. Not everything in this world about your Signs is all rainbows and butterflies. This will take us all on an adventure to facing Ego and learning more about ourselves that some of our friends or family wouldn't have the balls to admit to us. If you are easily offended, please do not read any of the articles posted as "DS " as they are very honest and straightforward. I will be posting up a new zodiac sign every Friday, so be on the lookout for your own if you feel you have the courage to face yourself. This is to allow for true inner sight into the things that block us in life so that we may fix them and move forward with our own personal growth. So strap in and enjoy your ride through the Darkside of the Zodiac. - Sacred Flame

Introduction

You know what you're really like--so do I

 Before we go any farther, look at the title of this book. [Darkside Zodiac.] What does it say? Darkside. That means you are going to be reading some wince-making stuff about yourselves. There are no jolly Brightside platitudes, because there is quite enough of that kind of thing in the world, and every silver lining has to have a cloud. I don't want you writing in--you have been warned; anybody who is but a fragile blossom on life's maelstrom had better put the book down now; don't give it to anyone whose self-esteem is running at zero pressure.

Don't Blame Me, It's Written In the Stars

It's not just your sun sign; there are other darkforces out there to make things even worse:
  • Your ruling planet: The Sun, Moon, or any one of the solar system's nine aimlessly orbiting rocks (apart from Earth, of course), each of which looks after one or more signs and imposes its disgusting habits.
  • The Moon, which is in charge of your dark, inner soul, frightful moods, and uncontrollable emotions; just how much of a prima-donna you are depends on where the Moon was throwing a hissy fit when you were thrust into this vale of tears.
  • Your rising sign: as the Earth creaks around on its axis, it appears to us that a new zodiac sign passes overhead every two hours or so. Your rising sign is the one that peeped balefully over the eastern horizon at the exact minute you fell to Earth.
  • The psychotic duo, Venus (planet lust) and Mars (planet psychowarrior); you'll need a birth chart to find out what havoc they wreak.
  • Your opposite sign--this is the fascinating badboy [or girl] (six signs away from your own) your mom told you to keep away from.

Unredeeming Features

Each sun sign hangs around street corners with one of four elements: Fire, Earth, Air or Water--think of them as the style in which you express your cosmic sloth. Plus, there are three sorts of qulities: cardinal, fixed, and mutable. The qualities combine with the elements so that no single sign is exactly the same. This means we are all insufferable in our own special way. Each sign is also masculine or feminine. It's nothing personal; think of it as positive/negative.

  Living With the Darkside

And how does all this affect you? Well, read on and weep. We look at your shameful personality, your pathetic work, relationship, and sex lives, criminal tendencies, how appalling you are to live with, and how you try to have fun in your own miserable way. And we end with a list of others who share your patch in the zodiac. So go on, suffer!

Rifraff Elements

  • Fire signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius): Brightsiders say impulsive! Darksiders say reckless sociopath.
  • Earth signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn): Brightsiders say solid! Darksiders say pig-headed fusspot.
  • Air signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius): Brightsiders say intellectual! Darksiders say free-floating airhead.
  • Water signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces): Brightsiders say nurturing! Darksiders say moody whiner.

 It's Quality Time

Quality is just another word for attitude; on the Darkside, that's bad attitude.
  • Cardinal signs (Aries, Cancer, Libra, Capricorn): bossy; this is the quality that initiates disasters.
  • Fixed signs (Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, Aquarius): stubborn; this is the quality that never deviates.
  • Mutable signs (Gemini, Virgo, Sagittarius, Pisces): fickle; this is the quality that ensures chaos and mess.

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